Boomer Ronin

Break Up Ls – Part I

Break ups are rough. Not rough like the tongue of a cute little kitty cat. I am talking sandpaper on a recent razor scrape rough. I know you have been, are, or will be there (and if you haven’t, you should because it is a beautiful thing to be that deep within love).

I offer you part 1 of a 4 part transition talk series about break ups (hey…break ups take time). I am calling the series Break Up Ls. Why? The Letter L has one right angle (mine, JK) but potential for more.

Lean into “it”
Do not withdraw. Face that demon with your game face on. IT is that fear of abandonment, that insecurity about your butt being too big, too small, too squared, and too similar to your mother’s. It’s your ego wondering if there was cheating and blaming yourself for not being beautiful enough, sexy enough, attentive enough, or lucrative enough. By this point you are even blaming yourself for having too big of a forehead. It’s the cliché phrase “what did I do to deserve this?” – but on crack times a thousand.

Once you are leaning in, you take your armor out and fight back like your life depends on it, because frankly it does. Each partner is equally at fault, and you weren’t happy either. You are not the right match for each other and you will both be happier with other lovers. It’s not love if you have to force it or if only one person is committed to working on the relationship. You are self-sufficient and if you aren’t, you will learn. Love, money, hugs; shoulders to cry on, partners to dance with (or whatever you feel you’ll miss) are in abundance around you and you may access them now.

Now is the time when you can allow yourself to enjoy that facial, manicure, massage or all of the above. Go ahead and purchase the most flattering dress you have ever worn, regardless of price. Then wearing that dress you chop off that demon’s head. Then its legs so you know it can’t come back. Then show your gratitude for the good times and give that demon’s heart a kiss, the memory a hug, and yourself a reassuring smile. Wearing your favorite shoes you walk away and move on. After all that internal work you’ll need a nap, but waking up will be yours again.

Next post: Break Up Ls Part II – Learn from it

*For my heart workers more interested in career/life talk, don’t fret; Welcome to the Dollhouse- Lessons on Rebooting Your Life is coming right after this series.

Talk to the Hand

How to Request and Receive Constructive Feedback

Who? Me?
A couple of weeks ago I received some unsolicited and unexpected feedback from one of my younger sisters.  The feedback, “I really don’t see you as a mother”, made me feel uncomfortable for reasons I couldn’t immediately understand.

The Hard Thing
I wanted to understand the intangibility of my motherhood vibes and in the process discovered the value of receiving this kind of “image management” feedback. Asking people around you what they see when they see you is uncomfortable which means it can also be incredibly instructive. Unique combinations of personality and life experience allow others to see different parts of you; parts that perhaps you are unable to see. I am a fan of free, practical and doable now; hence, I suggest that you start to look for knowledge near you. Ask teenagers how they see you and you might realize you are cooler than you think, ask your mother and you might be surprised to hear how proud she is of what you perceive as shortcomings or failures. Asking trustworthy colleagues may help you finally accept yourself as a leader.

As with my motherhood deficiency, this process is not all fun and to gain the most from this exercise you must be willing to listen. When you ask a  teenager for feedback be ready to hear things like “you are boring”  or “you are uptight”. Asking your mother might result in subtle pressure to fulfill her dreams and not yours. Asking a colleague for feedback might unravel feelings of  insecurity and jealousy.

Moving Through To The Other Side
But there is a way to gain the most from the knowledge near you.  The key here is to listen with an open mind and an open heart.  Sit with it.  Let it simmer within you.  Then flip the script on your evaluator.  Think of what values, life experiences, personality traits and developmental baggage are influencing your evaluation.  Once you do this you might discover it is appropriate for a teenage punk rocker to think of you as a little uptight or for your mother to believe you would make a great lawyer if you worked harder.

On Second Thought
Before asking for feedback try to predict the response. The fun will be in realizing how far off  your prediction is from each response and then figuring out where the disconnect is. Personally, I realized that motherhood lives in my private world and thus rarely do I mention my thoughts on it to anyone in my family. In Latino culture a woman my age is either already a mother or is working on it. Keeping motherhood private is how I protect myself from potential family pressures.  My image as a childless spinster aunt/sister/daughter is ok with me…for now.

This is an elegant technique from the field of energy psychology.  Its benefits generalize into a lot of areas.  Give it a try!

6 Reasons to Wear YOUR Tutu to Work (and anywhere else that matters):

Recently I saw an adorable little girl wearing her tutu during what was obviously her commute home from school. This post is an ode to that young girl for reminding me of the boldness required to wear a tutu to school. It is also an open call to always wear YOUR tutu when it matters. These are some reasons why:

Creativity
Creativity is more difficult to define than it is to identify. When you see something that exhibits originality you know it; it’s visceral. It takes years and even lifetimes to feel creative and to allow your creativity to flow freely. That is because creativity requires risk and courage. It requires being comfortable with failure and rejection. The dark side of being creative is painful. But more powerful is the reward of simply creating something originating from your heart and soul. When you give the world a piece of yourself, the vulnerability of this process replenishes you in return. Creativity is therefore always wearable and, like a tutu, there’s great benefit in never leaving home without it.

Freedom
To be open to creativity and innovation you must possess the freedom to accept the sparks that come to you and only you. Ideas may sound similar to something you saw on television or be a modern variation of a story you heard as a child. Ideas choose you and freedom allows you to welcome them regardless of how ridiculous, bizarre or silly they may seem. If you don’t believe me, I strongly recommend looking up Fatheadz. Fatheadz is a line of glasses designed specifically for people with bigger than average heads.

Attention-Grabbing
It’s okay to seek and receive attention. It’s why advertising exists and why celebrity spokespersons earn millions of dollars in exchange for product endorsements. Most people are uncomfortable with attention not because they don’t crave it, but rather because they feel unworthy of it. It’s time for you to get comfortable in your spotlight. Think of it this way: once you receive those great ideas you need an audience to share them with. An idea is not fully alive until you release it into the world. Your tutu helps you grab the audience but you still have to make the sale and complete the deal.

Fun
Ever walked into a party and noticed someone simply because she seem to be having the time of her life? That’s what the fun of a tutu does for your life. When you are having fun others automatically gravitate towards you. They want to know what you are doing and they genuinely want to join the fun.

Style
Don’t underestimate the power of choosing your tutu with intention. Your style is what most people in the world interact with when they interact with you. Your style tells your story without words. Think of it as a silent film about your life; then answer honestly, is it a blockbuster or is it going straight to collecting dust as a DVD?

Personality
Wearing your tutu gives others a glimpse of your personality. You are bold, a risk-taker, fun, you have a personal sense of style and you are creative and free. Perhaps none of these apply to you or maybe only a few. That’s fine as long as the tutu you are wearing reflects who you are and whom you want the world to see. Maybe it’s not a tutu, but a pair of high-water trousers or purple suspenders. Whatever your tutu is, make sure it’s yours and you are wearing it like you mean it…because when you step into the world, it does matter.

For more information about Fatheadz, visit www.fatheadz.com.

P.s. if you are still not sure on the power of a tutu, watch this fun video.

6 Reasons to Wear Your Tutu to Work from Yaromil Olivares on Vimeo.

It’s All in the Details: A Game of Self-Discovery by Yaromil Fong-Olivares
Self-discovery may sound like an easy endeavor, but with the social pressure to consume and conform, it can be quite difficult. Nevertheless, no one says it should not be fun.
A little self-disclosure: I have always thought of myself as someone averse to paying attention to details. At the risk of sounding cliché, I prefer to look at the big picture. Recently, in an effort to improve my ability to stay in the present moment, I realized that in my personal life the details make the biggest impact in my happiness, growth and healing.
To play the game, document the details in your life. Notice the things in your life that cause a surge in your happiness. Document and analyze why the activity impacts you so profoundly. Below are examples from my own life. I completed the first three from my perspective. These activities are intended to get you started, but I encourage you to develop your own list also.
• Walking down the street I notice a mischievous child laughing as he attempts to let go of his mother’s hand (unsuccessfully). – Risk-taking and love of adventure.
• Walking in a store’s flower department I stop to admire and smell the roses and if available, the lavender. – Appreciation for beauty and pleasure.
• I search for a moving quote about a subject I am already thinking about; then I send it to my loved ones. – Community building and the need to connect.
Your turn:
• Treat yourself to a nice song. Listen deeply noticing tone, mood, and your response to the lyrics and rhythm of the song. Try closing your eyes to isolate the stimulus to your hearing.
• Smile at a stranger or when a stranger smiles at you, smile back.
• Buy yourself flowers.
• Get a manicure and let the manicurist choose a color she thinks would look good on you or if you are a regular customer ask her to choose a color she thinks you would like.
After completing the exercise – and yes this is probably the most important part of the game – ask yourself how, and if, you are upholding these values in your life now. Are you stimulating your adventurous spirit? Are you feeding your appreciation for beauty and pleasure? Once you figure this out, make a commitment to prioritize the activities that help you grow and live the life you desire.