Boomer Ronin

Break Up Ls – Part I

Break ups are rough. Not rough like the tongue of a cute little kitty cat. I am talking sandpaper on a recent razor scrape rough. I know you have been, are, or will be there (and if you haven’t, you should because it is a beautiful thing to be that deep within love).

I offer you part 1 of a 4 part transition talk series about break ups (hey…break ups take time). I am calling the series Break Up Ls. Why? The Letter L has one right angle (mine, JK) but potential for more.

Lean into “it”
Do not withdraw. Face that demon with your game face on. IT is that fear of abandonment, that insecurity about your butt being too big, too small, too squared, and too similar to your mother’s. It’s your ego wondering if there was cheating and blaming yourself for not being beautiful enough, sexy enough, attentive enough, or lucrative enough. By this point you are even blaming yourself for having too big of a forehead. It’s the cliché phrase “what did I do to deserve this?” – but on crack times a thousand.

Once you are leaning in, you take your armor out and fight back like your life depends on it, because frankly it does. Each partner is equally at fault, and you weren’t happy either. You are not the right match for each other and you will both be happier with other lovers. It’s not love if you have to force it or if only one person is committed to working on the relationship. You are self-sufficient and if you aren’t, you will learn. Love, money, hugs; shoulders to cry on, partners to dance with (or whatever you feel you’ll miss) are in abundance around you and you may access them now.

Now is the time when you can allow yourself to enjoy that facial, manicure, massage or all of the above. Go ahead and purchase the most flattering dress you have ever worn, regardless of price. Then wearing that dress you chop off that demon’s head. Then its legs so you know it can’t come back. Then show your gratitude for the good times and give that demon’s heart a kiss, the memory a hug, and yourself a reassuring smile. Wearing your favorite shoes you walk away and move on. After all that internal work you’ll need a nap, but waking up will be yours again.

Next post: Break Up Ls Part II – Learn from it

*For my heart workers more interested in career/life talk, don’t fret; Welcome to the Dollhouse- Lessons on Rebooting Your Life is coming right after this series.

Are You a Heart Worker? The Value of Being a Quitter.

Yes, I quit. I didn’t resign, and I wasn’t moving on to a better position. Well, in retrospect, that last part did turn out to be true.

At the end of 2010, I felt tired, not because I was working 60 hours a week or because the work was challenging. I was engaged in a battle of someone else’s making – a 70-year battle for the minds and hearts of the children of Harlem. Like many other good ideas gone wrong, this one is masked under a mission statement of “helping children achieve their full potential”. I was doomed, as I was there to do my usual heart work – and not to be a hero or a savior.

Looking back, this being the end of the year and all, some lessons have become self-evident. For example, there is the issue of values and value alignment.

If you are a heart worker and your values don’t match the values of the organization then it is inevitable that a break up will ensue. Sound familiar? Like it kind of sounds like a bad romance (thanks, Lady Gaga!).

Yup. Your 9-to-5 is like a lover. Do you follow? Most importantly, are you still in love or are you there because of routine, have to pay the bills, don’t believe you deserve better, feel guilty about initiating the break up, afraid you are making the wrong call if you leave? What will they do without you? The reasons to stay are endless but there’s only one way out…out!

I admit, before leaving I felt a twilight zone-type fear of unproductivity. After quitting, I soon realized the reason I did not want to go into my office was not because I was “burned out” as some folks in the nonprofit world call it. It was the feeling of energy being sucked out of my body by complacent, bitter and miserable colleagues, discouraging board members and an organizational culture so resistant to change that it’s leadership wouldn’t even change the conference room wallpaper without going into 10 executive sessions.

The break-up was inevitable. It/us just couldn’t work.

But yet there we were, Hans Hageman, Executive Director at the time, and myself trying to rationalize staying because of the kids.

Then came the final realization – yes, worse than facing the twilight zone or energy suckers. The right choice is incredibly hard to make.

If you quit you are a quitter. But if you stay you are useless. You compromise your values, risk depression; creativity dies a slow, painful death.

So, I ask YOU: what’s it going to be?

Before answering, think about this:

“We have to be able to walk forward with faith into a world that is chaotic and abstract and allow the opportunities to present themselves. And we need to be so aligned, so true to what we believe, that we are in a position to seize these opportunities when they occur. Our example is our reputation.
– Sue Knight, NLP at Work

I am proud to be a quitter. I recognize and accept my own value/values and better yet, I know my heart work is priceless. Do you? Allow yourself to answer honestly, and in 2011 proceed accordingly.

Talk to the Hand

How to Request and Receive Constructive Feedback

Who? Me?
A couple of weeks ago I received some unsolicited and unexpected feedback from one of my younger sisters.  The feedback, “I really don’t see you as a mother”, made me feel uncomfortable for reasons I couldn’t immediately understand.

The Hard Thing
I wanted to understand the intangibility of my motherhood vibes and in the process discovered the value of receiving this kind of “image management” feedback. Asking people around you what they see when they see you is uncomfortable which means it can also be incredibly instructive. Unique combinations of personality and life experience allow others to see different parts of you; parts that perhaps you are unable to see. I am a fan of free, practical and doable now; hence, I suggest that you start to look for knowledge near you. Ask teenagers how they see you and you might realize you are cooler than you think, ask your mother and you might be surprised to hear how proud she is of what you perceive as shortcomings or failures. Asking trustworthy colleagues may help you finally accept yourself as a leader.

As with my motherhood deficiency, this process is not all fun and to gain the most from this exercise you must be willing to listen. When you ask a  teenager for feedback be ready to hear things like “you are boring”  or “you are uptight”. Asking your mother might result in subtle pressure to fulfill her dreams and not yours. Asking a colleague for feedback might unravel feelings of  insecurity and jealousy.

Moving Through To The Other Side
But there is a way to gain the most from the knowledge near you.  The key here is to listen with an open mind and an open heart.  Sit with it.  Let it simmer within you.  Then flip the script on your evaluator.  Think of what values, life experiences, personality traits and developmental baggage are influencing your evaluation.  Once you do this you might discover it is appropriate for a teenage punk rocker to think of you as a little uptight or for your mother to believe you would make a great lawyer if you worked harder.

On Second Thought
Before asking for feedback try to predict the response. The fun will be in realizing how far off  your prediction is from each response and then figuring out where the disconnect is. Personally, I realized that motherhood lives in my private world and thus rarely do I mention my thoughts on it to anyone in my family. In Latino culture a woman my age is either already a mother or is working on it. Keeping motherhood private is how I protect myself from potential family pressures.  My image as a childless spinster aunt/sister/daughter is ok with me…for now.

Retrospective Introspection
7 things to always reflect on (in no particular order)
By Yaromil Fong-Olivares

2010 is approaching its conclusion. Allow yourself to discover your current status in love, career, and self-care.

1. On a scale of 1 to 10 how happy are you to start your workday?
We spend most of our lives working. This includes being a stay-at-home mom and other nontraditional forms of employment. Ask yourself if your day is filled with the work you want. Most importantly, remember that you can change it. Entrepreneurship happens everywhere. Creativity can set you free. But, creativity does not happen unless you are willing to be vulnerable and therefore honest when answering this question. Go ahead and add that obscure childhood dream to be an ant farm collector to your vision board or “to-do” list.

2. Are you spending enough alone time?
Alone time is something we often neglect to prioritize. We work a lot of hours, try to spend enough time with family and friends and before we realize it, we start to feel drained and sometimes a little resentful about having to spend every minute of our day engaging with others. Even if you don’t feel this way I encourage you to try and incorporate alone time into your schedule. It may be a time for you to take a walk, give yourself a home facial or simply stare into space. Alone time replenishes you. It allows us to be more present and aware when we spend time with our loved ones.

3. Do you feel deeply connected to at least one person in your life? Recently I met with Fumi, my Reiki and Aikido instructor and mentor. In New York City people tend to hibernate in the winter. After a very active and adventure-filled summer I was settling in and, yes, feeling a little bit of the winter blues nostalgia. I asked him if he ever felt disconnected from his spirit guides, as I was sure that’s why I was feeling blue. When he replied by asking me if I had connected with anyone lately it caught me by surprise. In an effort to swing back from summer I was working so much that I completely neglected to spend time with my loved ones in a real way. This means one-one-one time to talk about those things that we’d rather not talk about but that if left unexamined do fester and turn into little monsters that invade our dreams.

4. How often do you laugh?
I hope your response to this question is all the time. If you don’t, this is a huge deal. Laughter is contagious, liberating, and most importantly it feels good.

5. Have you connected with a caring elder lately? This includes one of your parents, guardian, or older mentor.
Yes we learn from everyone around us but try to focus on the specificity of a connection to a caring adult who is not a generational peer. There is wisdom and awareness that only comes with life experience and having access to that is an invaluable asset to our growth.

6. When was the last time you felt sexy and sensual?
Feeling sexy and attractive is challenge for most people. We live in a media-inundated world and there are many reasons why we tend not to feel this way (I’ll spare you the commentary on race, body image, gender, etc.). I suggest exploring what makes you feel sexy and attractive and then seeking out activities that will enhance those feelings. Recently, my sister and I signed up for a four-session class on wall and floor strip tease. Admittedly, at first it was just a joke that met a Groupon opportunity (half-off classes in NYC are a big deal!). After the first class we felt extremely empowered. Our personalities are very different and the fact that we both had the same reaction to the class really says a lot. The class is geared towards regular women like us. Perhaps stripping is not for you but if you are even a little bit interested I highly recommend it.

7. Are you making sure you are healthy by taking vitamins, exercising, walking? You get the point and let me add I am a big fan of the health wonders of cod liver oil. Although the taste is a little gross, it is great for your skin, nails and hair.

Are you waiting for the New Year to change any of these? Answer honestly and remember every day is the start of a new year. The sooner you start this process the sooner you’ll see results.

To learn more about Fumi, go to www.aikidouphere.com
To learn about stripping classes, go to www.stripxpertease.com

Find Love by Dating Yourself by Yaromil Fong-Olivares
Anyone who has seen the film, Forrest Gump probably remembers the quote, “Life is like a box of chocolates.” Similarly, relationships are like a box of chocolates and indeed you never know what you are going to get. But, you do know what you are going to give. When we are single, we spend a lot of time looking around us, in search of the next date/lover/partner. We spend so much time looking outward that we often forget to look within ourselves. If we do not address our relationship patterns when we are single, this dangerous oversight can lead us to the re-creation of the patterns that destroyed our previous relationship. The goal is not necessarily to remove all patterns because we can never be truly “ready” for a relationship. The aim is to understand our emotional and psychological struggles within relationships and to manage them with love and compassion.
For most of us, finding companionship and love is a big part of self-realization. Rather than searching for a lover, I suggest an alternate route to finding love. The only variable in a relationship that you can predict is yourself. Through self-awareness you can predict how you interact with your lovers and truly learn to discern your relationship patterns. Developing a deep understanding of yourself helps you predict your interactions with others. You can think of this process as dating yourself. Dating yourself means prioritizing intentional time alone. During this time you get to know yourself, explore your needs, wants, desires and contributions to relationships. Write the answers down and refer to them often, and especially when you start dating someone. Think of this as developing your relationship blueprint, obviously a work in progress. You can be flexible but you must always be fully aware of your non-negotiables. If you ignore your relationship bottom line, you are very likely to engage in relationships that are doomed to fail. This does not mean you should be calculating or reject serendipitous liaisons; but rather you should study your relationship history and the factors that led to previous break-ups and enter every relationship with realistic expectations for yourself and your lover.
Do not ignore the power of manifestation and in your blueprint make sure to include all the qualities that you want in a lover. By streamlining your dating life you eliminate self-blame for failed relationships, develop confidence and feel more empowered in your dating life. Remember that sometimes it’s just not a good match.