Boomer Ronin

This past weekend my wife and I attended the “Total Warrior: Tactical Training and Mindset Camp”  where I presented my talk titled, “Striding Through Chaos.”  The participants were mainly law enforcement officers.  Proceeds from the event went to  the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund.

This Who’s Who from the tactical and peak performance world included people like Scott Sonnon, former Navy Seal Stephen Nave, and Lt. Col. Dave Grossman. It was organized by Marc Joseph of Spartan Training Gear and Jose Medina and the people from Task Force 360. My workshop addressed issues of stress management, values, limiting beliefs, goal-setting, NLP, and the “Inner Game.” The organizers were savvy and sensitive enough to take on issues that much of corporate America won’t even touch.

Even though we have just entered March, I have a feeling that this event is going to be one of the highlights of my year.  It had the kind of creative commitment that often leads to great things.   It was interesting to see how quickly cause and character created community among relative strangers.

There was a generosity of spirit and of sharing that was matched by a remarkable  lack of ego.

The attendees I talked to were there because they not only wanted to be better at law enforcement but they also wanted to be better mothers, fathers, and spouses.  Abundance, courage, and energy were the feelings that characterized the weekend for me.

I have run into a lot of people who espouse (but don’t live)high-minded ideals and throw some money at causes to assuage their conscience. They don’t really do stuff.  I now try to only associate with people who do stuff – the right stuff.  The organizers, presenters, and participants at Total Warrior are the kind of people I want to do stuff with.

Government must play a role in maintaining the rights of all its citizens.  But individuals, especially those who would call themselves “leader,” must take responsibility in their families and communities to ensure that the values that connect each of us are leavened by love so that they don’t need to be levied by the State. The people I met this past weekend seem to get this.

If you want to get a better idea of what I’m talking about, make sure you join us at Total Warrior 2013!

4 life lessons I learned from Tony Award winner Sarah Jones

When you are doing something you love it shows. That’s what you’ll notice when you see Sarah Jones’ newest stage “laboratory” (Sarah’s terminology) New Year, Nuyorican. It took me some time, but about an hour into the show I started to realize what she meant when she referred to the experience of putting together this particular show as “scary.” I was surprised to hear of her fear since last time I saw her she stood on a huge Broadway stage performing her hit one-woman masterpiece, Bridge & Tunnel and she was fearlessly brilliant.

In addition to lots of laughter, political brilliance and a trenta-sized dose of kick ass black feminism, here are 4 life lessons I learned from Sarah’s New Year, Nuyorican performance:

1. Always push your talents. Sarah had notes within reach but did not refer to them during her performance. She chose to improvise the lineup of characters and randomly chose appropriate jackets from her stage wardrobe as the show progressed. From the Chinese woman sharing the experience of having a lesbian daughter and even challenging the notion that “Chinese mothers are superior” to the Indian humanitarian/doctor all her impersonations are flawless.

2. Push your values. Sarah turns existential arguments in favor of culturally based stereotypes on their heads just by her brilliant ability to perform each of her characters. She enters each character as if entering a different realm of her subconscious. It’s like watching past life regression live on stage. Yet, Sarah’s characters never offend the audience. Her performance is a nuanced and compassionate critique of forced segregation passed down through generations of miscommunication, collective trauma and arbitrary geopolitical lines. In her show she achieves utopia because she brings all of us together, literally.

3. Go back home. Sarah Jones started her career at the now famous Nuyorican Poet’s Café. She is back and she loves it; so do her fans. Last night, she made sure to give credit for “shipping” her show to her special guest and fan, marketing rock star Seth Godin. Even though she was nervous, excited, scared…she was home. The value of home is that it feels like home despite all the other scary feelings we may be experiencing. As her homeless usher persona Ms. Lady says at the beginning of the show, many people have houses but few have homes.

4. Go back to basics. I believe this is a scary process for Sarah because it is a lesson in humility and a test of her courage and commitment to her craft. She was on Broadway, she won a Tony and she is back to a small venue in the Lower East Side. I suspect there’s definitely a little bit of ego bruising that can go into psychologically processing “comebacks” as an award-winning artist. However, anyone who appreciates watching creativity, innovation and love radiating and converging into a performance will undoubtedly find Sarah’s show valuable, inspiring and thought provoking. Sarah can rest assured that her work is crucial and that the insights of her imaginary friends follow us after the show. Gratefully we follow Sarah anywhere and everywhere she goes.

To learn more about Sarah Jones and her show at the Nuyorican Poets Cafe click here.

Are You a Heart Worker? The Value of Being a Quitter.

Yes, I quit. I didn’t resign, and I wasn’t moving on to a better position. Well, in retrospect, that last part did turn out to be true.

At the end of 2010, I felt tired, not because I was working 60 hours a week or because the work was challenging. I was engaged in a battle of someone else’s making – a 70-year battle for the minds and hearts of the children of Harlem. Like many other good ideas gone wrong, this one is masked under a mission statement of “helping children achieve their full potential”. I was doomed, as I was there to do my usual heart work – and not to be a hero or a savior.

Looking back, this being the end of the year and all, some lessons have become self-evident. For example, there is the issue of values and value alignment.

If you are a heart worker and your values don’t match the values of the organization then it is inevitable that a break up will ensue. Sound familiar? Like it kind of sounds like a bad romance (thanks, Lady Gaga!).

Yup. Your 9-to-5 is like a lover. Do you follow? Most importantly, are you still in love or are you there because of routine, have to pay the bills, don’t believe you deserve better, feel guilty about initiating the break up, afraid you are making the wrong call if you leave? What will they do without you? The reasons to stay are endless but there’s only one way out…out!

I admit, before leaving I felt a twilight zone-type fear of unproductivity. After quitting, I soon realized the reason I did not want to go into my office was not because I was “burned out” as some folks in the nonprofit world call it. It was the feeling of energy being sucked out of my body by complacent, bitter and miserable colleagues, discouraging board members and an organizational culture so resistant to change that it’s leadership wouldn’t even change the conference room wallpaper without going into 10 executive sessions.

The break-up was inevitable. It/us just couldn’t work.

But yet there we were, Hans Hageman, Executive Director at the time, and myself trying to rationalize staying because of the kids.

Then came the final realization – yes, worse than facing the twilight zone or energy suckers. The right choice is incredibly hard to make.

If you quit you are a quitter. But if you stay you are useless. You compromise your values, risk depression; creativity dies a slow, painful death.

So, I ask YOU: what’s it going to be?

Before answering, think about this:

“We have to be able to walk forward with faith into a world that is chaotic and abstract and allow the opportunities to present themselves. And we need to be so aligned, so true to what we believe, that we are in a position to seize these opportunities when they occur. Our example is our reputation.
– Sue Knight, NLP at Work

I am proud to be a quitter. I recognize and accept my own value/values and better yet, I know my heart work is priceless. Do you? Allow yourself to answer honestly, and in 2011 proceed accordingly.

Young, Broke and Giving
As a former development director for a nonprofit, a self-identified lefty, and a true believer in what giving does for YOU, I could not resist the temptation to write a quick note on the subject. The threat of malemployment* for recent college graduates is real.  Giving is a helpful tool to resist the temptation to let go of your dream life or, worse, give in to a “good enough” life. Below is my quick and dirty guide to giving selfishly.

Give from your Core: Choose a cause you really connect with. If it means your alma mater or your local homeless shelter, great. But if it means giving to an organization in Costa Rica because you recently had a transformative experience there, then stick with that. It may sound taboo but giving is as much about YOU the giver as it is about the organization or cause.

Give Continuously – The donation amount is important but what makes the difference in your giving impact is your commitment to the organization. You demonstrate that commitment by giving continuously.

Give over Cocktails: The true testament of whether or not you care about a cause is if you are talking about it everywhere, anywhere and to everyone. Are you talking about your volunteer work at all the parties you attend? Did I mention this is absolutely free? Did I mention this helps you demonstrate how well rounded, generous, cool and knowledgeable you are?

Give Yourself: It’s no longer expected that you volunteer to mentor when what you really want to do is revamp an organization’s archaic website with your awesome design skills. Nonprofits now incorporate business practices traditionally associated with for-profit corporations (think Return On Investment). This means you have more choices over how you can contribute to your favorite charity. Use that choice! It’s a win-win; you help the nonprofit and you add another website to your design reel.

Give NOW: Abundance is a lifestyle not a goal. Don’t wait until December 31st (when most people give in order to ensure the tax-write off), your next paycheck, and definitely not until you pay off your debt. Giving is an investment in your karma…and can you really put a price tag on that?

*A term used to describe college graduates employed in jobs they could have held without going to college. For more information about malemployment click here.

Talk to the Hand

How to Request and Receive Constructive Feedback

Who? Me?
A couple of weeks ago I received some unsolicited and unexpected feedback from one of my younger sisters.  The feedback, “I really don’t see you as a mother”, made me feel uncomfortable for reasons I couldn’t immediately understand.

The Hard Thing
I wanted to understand the intangibility of my motherhood vibes and in the process discovered the value of receiving this kind of “image management” feedback. Asking people around you what they see when they see you is uncomfortable which means it can also be incredibly instructive. Unique combinations of personality and life experience allow others to see different parts of you; parts that perhaps you are unable to see. I am a fan of free, practical and doable now; hence, I suggest that you start to look for knowledge near you. Ask teenagers how they see you and you might realize you are cooler than you think, ask your mother and you might be surprised to hear how proud she is of what you perceive as shortcomings or failures. Asking trustworthy colleagues may help you finally accept yourself as a leader.

As with my motherhood deficiency, this process is not all fun and to gain the most from this exercise you must be willing to listen. When you ask a  teenager for feedback be ready to hear things like “you are boring”  or “you are uptight”. Asking your mother might result in subtle pressure to fulfill her dreams and not yours. Asking a colleague for feedback might unravel feelings of  insecurity and jealousy.

Moving Through To The Other Side
But there is a way to gain the most from the knowledge near you.  The key here is to listen with an open mind and an open heart.  Sit with it.  Let it simmer within you.  Then flip the script on your evaluator.  Think of what values, life experiences, personality traits and developmental baggage are influencing your evaluation.  Once you do this you might discover it is appropriate for a teenage punk rocker to think of you as a little uptight or for your mother to believe you would make a great lawyer if you worked harder.

On Second Thought
Before asking for feedback try to predict the response. The fun will be in realizing how far off  your prediction is from each response and then figuring out where the disconnect is. Personally, I realized that motherhood lives in my private world and thus rarely do I mention my thoughts on it to anyone in my family. In Latino culture a woman my age is either already a mother or is working on it. Keeping motherhood private is how I protect myself from potential family pressures.  My image as a childless spinster aunt/sister/daughter is ok with me…for now.

This is an elegant technique from the field of energy psychology.  Its benefits generalize into a lot of areas.  Give it a try!